Marriage

So I have had marriage issues pretty much my entire life. For whatever reason, I have never wanted to get married or really have kids. I never had any traumatic experiences, my parents never got divorced, etc. I just think that in heaven when God was passing out the "mother/nurture/romantic gene" that I accidentally got skipped.

So my whole life when other little girls were picking out baby names and their wedding colors, I was planning on going on a mission. I wanted to be a Mother Theresa figure, and  change the world by spreading the gospel and solving world hunger. I envisioned myself living in a grass hut somewhere in Africa taking care of everyone and going about my days in service.

Well, the year finally arrived and I went on a mission. Then the day finally arrived when my mission had to come to an end, and I had to go home. Then the marriage denial could no longer be avoided. "Marriage is the next step in life Faith," I was told over and over again.

But when my boyfriend of 3 1/2 yrs started talking marriage, I couldn't do it. I freaked out. Even after all that time of dating, I didn't feel ready and I still had NO desire to get married. So he broke up with me.

Now, I have been dating Bryce for 1 1/2 yrs. The marriage stick has started to beat me over the head again, and the same old fears have crept up. After months of prayer, I finally felt like I got more of a desire and answer to marry Bryce.

But as the reality and seriousness of my relationship has begun to sink in, the fears have taken a strong, claustrophobic like hold on me. I have talked to my dad, my siblings, my friends, my bishop, institute teachers, almost anyone and everyone that I felt could give me insight or advice on the matter. And I realized: Yes. I have a problem. I have a serious problem. I know I need to get married. But I don't want to get married. And it's not just a selfish thing or childish nervousness. This is a real anxiety driven phobia.

I have begun to narrow down the fears to tackle them one at a time.
1. I have a very real impression and feeling that I need to do something big in this world to change and improve it. I think that everyone has a mission in life, and I feel that I am supposed to do something special. I fear that in getting married and having kids, I will not be able to accomplish this mission or my goals and dreams that I have for myself. I want to live to my fullest.
2. I am terrified of having sex. I hate being naked. It makes me very uncomfortable. And the whole process freaks me out. I used to joke about becoming the "First Mormon Nun."
3. I don't want to have kids. I don't really like babies. They weird me out, and I think they are weird looking. I'm not a very affectionate person, and so I don't want to have to hold a baby all the time. And the whole birthing process. . . Ow! And Ewww! So that's another issue as well. I could maybe adopt kids that were 3 yrs or older. I don't hate children in general. In fact, I quite hardily enjoy my nieces and nephews. But I can't picture myself as a mother, and I quiver at the thought of that kind of responsibility.
4. I am a very independent person. Blame my dad for raising me like a boy, and teaching me to be so self-sufficient or whatever, but I am very independent. I like being in control of myself and taking care of myself. So the thought of always being "stuck" with someone has terrified me my entire life. My bishop best described my feelings as "being pushed into a corner with no way out."

Despite all these problems, and a few other issues, I am trying hard to rely on God for strength to help me do what he wants me to do. And Bryce is the best most patient person that I could have ever asked for. He is so so patient and loving with me. And he has most definitely withstood the test of time.

So... the next few months may be the craziest, and most anxiety filled of my life, but I will pray that I persevere and don't run away to India to be a free spirit. To be continued. . .

Bucket List!

I think New Years Resolutions are lame. So instead, I am creating a Bucket List. Much more effective.. ha. So this is my to-do list before I die:

•                                                       
• Go to India and see the Taj Mahal                                                   
• Ride In a Hot Air Balloon

   Get Married in the Temple

• Serve another Mission (couple?)
• Run A Marathon
• Graduate from College (I'm getting Close!)
• Write and Publish a Book
• Be a Temple Worker
• Ride in a Sail Boat
• Make A Difference

So I feel like this a good list of worthy goals to accomplish in my lifetime. I want to do good and experience personal fulfillment so I think these are things that will help with that. I have already accomplished a lot in my short life that I feel good about. I want to have meaning and to not waste anytime doing good and changing the world in my own small way. I want to live my life to the fullest.

"Whate'er thou art, act well thy part."

I Love Christmas!!

Christmas is fantastic. Definitely my favorite Holiday. It is just really special. It has all the elements of a perfect day. It is exciting, spiritual, fun, chill, and filled with family. My Christmas this year will be different than most. I will not be spending it with alot of family, and my family is much different now anyways. There won't be tons of people around. No small kids running around on a sugar buzz or yelling about Santa Clause coming.
But it has made me rethink the meaning of Christmas. Even if there isn't much of a "celebration" with presents, food, or family around... Christmas is still special.
People are always a bit nicer and look out for each other more. There isn't as much selfishness in the world during the Christmas season. I really do think the spirit of Christ just permeates the air more during this time. I love the lights. I love the music. I love that the snow and decorations. It all just makes me happy.
And Christmas always boosts my testimony of Christ. How special it is that He was born here to give His life for us. God loves us so much. It always helps me to remember that. It makes life easier.
Anyways, I just know that this Christmas will be very special and will help me to focus more on the Savior and the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

Pain... Does it just become more Numb or Does it go away?

So... I have been thinking lately about Loss. Probably sparked by the two year anniversary of the day my own mom died. But the question I am thinking is this. Does the pain ever really go away or does it just become more numb over time? I feel that in my own pain, it has stopped become such a constant hurt but when something triggers it, the pain stings just as sharply as when I first heard the news on the phone.
 I am definitely disturbed by insensitive people that have told me to "get over it" too. Or that seem startled when I still get emotional or have "down days." I don't think you can ever get over something like that. How am I supposed to pretend that one of the biggest impacts on my life doesn't matter anymore, and I have stopped feeling that void in my life? I don't think it's possible. And I can't and don't want to replace my mom either. I would like to think that people are special, and can't merely be bought out or updated when they run out or get old.
I find it fascinating too how we all try to cope with the pain of loss. Some people bottle it up, and pretend that they are totally fine and that nothing bad has ever happened to them. Others look for cures to their pain. In church, in therapy, in talking to friends, etc. They want to "fix" it. Others just keep so busy that they don't ever have to think and they numb themselves to the hurt. I think I am a combination of the three.
But I do wonder if it ever goes away.... I don't really think it does, but just that we become more calloused and tell ourselves things to give us hope of a better day. And yes that better day will most definitely come because of the gospel of Jesus Christ and his atonement... but in the meantime...?

Social Media

Well... I guess this is my first attempt to embrace the social media that surrounds all of us. I should have started blogging years ago, but it fell to the bottom of my to-do lists. So today my question is this: after we have all these many social media devices surrounding us everywhere.... does it really help to connect us to people or are we more isolated than ever as a society? I feel that we are able to talk to people that we wouldn't normally get to stay in touch with. For instance, I am able to chat with people from Kenya, Mississippi, and Louisiana that I wouldn't normally get to. But last night I found it amusing that me and my five friends were all in the same room, and yet we weren't talking. We were all on facebook or twitter. So in a weird way, I felt isolated even though I was surrounded by people. So I am still debating the pros and cons behind the technology that our world has created...