So I have had marriage issues pretty much my entire life. For whatever reason, I have never wanted to get married or really have kids. I never had any traumatic experiences, my parents never got divorced, etc. I just think that in heaven when God was passing out the "mother/nurture/romantic gene" that I accidentally got skipped.
So my whole life when other little girls were picking out baby names and their wedding colors, I was planning on going on a mission. I wanted to be a Mother Theresa figure, and change the world by spreading the gospel and solving world hunger. I envisioned myself living in a grass hut somewhere in Africa taking care of everyone and going about my days in service.
Well, the year finally arrived and I went on a mission. Then the day finally arrived when my mission had to come to an end, and I had to go home. Then the marriage denial could no longer be avoided. "Marriage is the next step in life Faith," I was told over and over again.
But when my boyfriend of 3 1/2 yrs started talking marriage, I couldn't do it. I freaked out. Even after all that time of dating, I didn't feel ready and I still had NO desire to get married. So he broke up with me.
Now, I have been dating Bryce for 1 1/2 yrs. The marriage stick has started to beat me over the head again, and the same old fears have crept up. After months of prayer, I finally felt like I got more of a desire and answer to marry Bryce.
But as the reality and seriousness of my relationship has begun to sink in, the fears have taken a strong, claustrophobic like hold on me. I have talked to my dad, my siblings, my friends, my bishop, institute teachers, almost anyone and everyone that I felt could give me insight or advice on the matter. And I realized: Yes. I have a problem. I have a serious problem. I know I need to get married. But I don't want to get married. And it's not just a selfish thing or childish nervousness. This is a real anxiety driven phobia.
I have begun to narrow down the fears to tackle them one at a time.
1. I have a very real impression and feeling that I need to do something big in this world to change and improve it. I think that everyone has a mission in life, and I feel that I am supposed to do something special. I fear that in getting married and having kids, I will not be able to accomplish this mission or my goals and dreams that I have for myself. I want to live to my fullest.
2. I am terrified of having sex. I hate being naked. It makes me very uncomfortable. And the whole process freaks me out. I used to joke about becoming the "First Mormon Nun."
3. I don't want to have kids. I don't really like babies. They weird me out, and I think they are weird looking. I'm not a very affectionate person, and so I don't want to have to hold a baby all the time. And the whole birthing process. . . Ow! And Ewww! So that's another issue as well. I could maybe adopt kids that were 3 yrs or older. I don't hate children in general. In fact, I quite hardily enjoy my nieces and nephews. But I can't picture myself as a mother, and I quiver at the thought of that kind of responsibility.
4. I am a very independent person. Blame my dad for raising me like a boy, and teaching me to be so self-sufficient or whatever, but I am very independent. I like being in control of myself and taking care of myself. So the thought of always being "stuck" with someone has terrified me my entire life. My bishop best described my feelings as "being pushed into a corner with no way out."
Despite all these problems, and a few other issues, I am trying hard to rely on God for strength to help me do what he wants me to do. And Bryce is the best most patient person that I could have ever asked for. He is so so patient and loving with me. And he has most definitely withstood the test of time.
So... the next few months may be the craziest, and most anxiety filled of my life, but I will pray that I persevere and don't run away to India to be a free spirit. To be continued. . .